This mother's day was very special for me. I decided to take the day from my busy life with my 3 wonderful children and go spend time with my grandma. Saturday, I was blessed that Mike took all 3 kiddos for the day and I took my trip to Iowa. It was a very peaceful trip and as much as I love and missed my kids, I enjoyed the time to myself. I got to Iowa and took my grandma out to garage sales! We had a lot of fun and created fun memories! After that, I took her to lunch, her choice. She decided Rudy's tacos! It was very good and we had a very nice time there. Afterward, I had told her that I would really like to go and pay my respects to my grandpa. Monday would have been his 71st birthday.
We went out to the grave site. It's always depressing to go and visit a cemetery but it's beautiful at the same time. It's so peaceful and even though we exited from a very busy road, I felt at peace as I walked to the stone that bear ed my grandpa's name. I didn't know how to feel at first. I was very sad and I had a lot of emotions running through me. I didn't know how to express them around my grandma and she asked me if I needed some time. I said yes. She left me to go back to the car. I got down on the ground and I talked to grandpa. I told him how much he is missed. How Much I miss him and How much it seems he should still be here. A part of our lives. I told him that it's still so sad to me to come and visit and his truck is no longer taking up that extra space in the drive. How I'm sad that I don't see his smiling face asking if I can help with something for the day. Sad that I don't hear stories of working on the tractor and the next project he has for it. Sad that I have all of these memories and that's all we end up ever being is.... memories to other people. My grandpa impacted so many people, most of all... he made such a difference in my grandma's life and she's lost without him. It's so sad. They would have been married for 50 yrs this year. Grandpa was holding out for her. He used to tell me as he sat in his chair. " I just pray the good lord will let me make it to be 71 and to reach my 50 yr anniversary b/c I know that's what Ma would love."
I sat on the ground stumped as to what to say next. The wind was very strong that day and the trees were making loud noises in the corner where he lay to rest and all I could think about was how he would be cutting those trees. I prayed. I prayed that he was looking down upon us and that he was happy and free from pain and that we will meet again. I prayed that he would never forget us and that he would be there waiting for us. I cleaned off the stone of grass and I cried. I cried. I miss him so much.
I went back to granny's car and we sat there watching for a few minutes of the grave diggers behind us. How their job was just a job to them. We watched as the guy walked up and down on top of the coffin and how they were talking and it was no big deal to them. They were used to this.
:(
We got back to granny's house and I seen the stack of letters she had that she kept from when grandpa was in the service. I read through some of them and became choked up. How sweet for her to have kept those and how you can hold onto every word and it's almost like you are there in that moment.
We decided after awhile to get some ice cream. I was finished with it in no time and granny was taking her sweet time. She looked at me and said that I reminded her of my grandpa. She didn't understand how we could have our ice cream finished in no time. I sure do miss him. I miss everything about him.
The last part of my visit consisted of us going through closets and deciding what she wanted me to bring back to the garage sale I'm having on Saturday. We started in her closet and worked our way to grandpa's room. I wasn't ready for this. I could never prepare myself for this. She said she was ready to do this. I grabbed 2 things out and took one look at her and we both lost it. She went downstairs. I wanted to follow her, but I couldn't. I sat on my grandpa's bed and I embraced the shirt against me. I could still smell him. I hugged the shirt and I cried and I wanted for him to hug me. I wanted to hear that "ah ah ah ah" as he pat my back in a hard embrace. I wanted his whiskers to rub my cheek. I sat there and I looked at the things around his room. I remember so much about him and I want to keep the memories of him, alive forever. Life is hard when you have to lose the ones you love.
I departed my grandma's house and I wished that I could just stay with her. I wish we lived closer so I could be there for her. No one could EVER know what she is going through. This was her LIFE. He was the one thing she counted on everyday. He was her rock and he's gone, forever.
I had a very memorable mother's day.
No comments:
Post a Comment